Protoman 56 Posted February 10, 2008 (edited) I stare at her from a distance, my eyes fluctuating like the waves I begin to wonder whether the impossible could become a reality I slouch along the side of a tree, just evaluating her She sways with such grace and fabricates that irresistible smile Her presence manipulates my every move causing me to wonder My only option is to smile and gradually ambulate into the shadows My heart aches when I recall the moments of misfortune Her friends acknowledge me as an outsider, a superstition amongst the public I crave for the opportunity of “affection” and the prospects of a relationship My only alternative is to speculate and presume a future with her With each yearning moment, I desire her more I’ve vacated the tree and journeyed towards the flower shop I clenched my black hood and placed it over my head firmly I bought her a dozen roses wrapped around a red ribbon the store keeper was baffled by my presence and hastily bestowed the roses to me with a smirk, I’ve straddled out of the store and ensemble back to the tree I observed the landscape, scouting for any presence of her When I’ve discerned her, I took a deep breath and recited my speech silently to myself My legs were steady, but consistent amongst the floor I felt as if I were walking for miles unable to reach her Finally, the endless moment of anticipation was coming to an end she was about two paces in front of me I’ve bestowed her the flowers and took off my hood She noticed me and her eyes widened with shock I announced with a snicker, “ I am Death”……. Of course this poem was meant to be a comparison to Magic Bitch's poem. I wrote this today for a contest between Magic Bitch and I. I'm just wondering how many people prefer my poems to Magic Bitch's. Edited September 22, 2008 by Protoman Share this post Link to post
Cripp 167 Posted February 10, 2008 It sounds really good. I wish I could write like that. Share this post Link to post
Catastrophe 24 Posted February 10, 2008 I like it better, but I doubt it counts for anything. Share this post Link to post
Protoman 56 Posted February 10, 2008 (edited) I like it better, but I doubt it counts for anything. I'm a really smart dude that challenges himself. Sometimes I consider comparing myself to others in order to realize my potential. Magic Bitch claims to be more intelligent than I. Aside from that, your post does exhibit some value because it allows me to judge in relation to the poems. Edited February 10, 2008 by Protoman Share this post Link to post
Major Zhuinden 128 Posted February 10, 2008 If there is a reason why I collectively don't like the poems on this site is because the rhymes are completely missing. Maybe I'm used to the hungarian poems that always have a system of rhymes but seriously, it's lacking the poem-ness. Same goes for many of the "poems" I read on this site, so not only this. ;) Share this post Link to post
Rakes 0 Posted February 10, 2008 Well I quite like it, the only thing that is a bit strange is the change of tense. i.e. It starts out in present tense 'I stare at her from a distance' but changes to past 'I observed the landscape'. Whether intentional or not I don't know. Apart from that I quite like it. You have my vote. Share this post Link to post
Protoman 56 Posted February 10, 2008 If there is a reason why I collectively don't like the poems on this site is because the rhymes are completely missing. Maybe I'm used to the hungarian poems that always have a system of rhymes but seriously, it's lacking the poem-ness. Same goes for many of the "poems" I read on this site, so not only this. :) My poems are meant to be similar to short stories. Rhyming isn't my cup of tea because it exhibits no skill. Well I quite like it, the only thing that is a bit strange is the change of tense. i.e. It starts out in present tense 'I stare at her from a distance' but changes to past 'I observed the landscape'. Whether intentional or not I don't know. Apart from that I quite like it. You have my vote. Thanks and I might have switched tenses to display some suspense. At least most people tend to prefer my poems as in comparison to Magic Bitch's ;) I wrote this poem yesterday when I read hers. Share this post Link to post
Magical_Trever 60 Posted February 11, 2008 can i copy this for valentines or something? Share this post Link to post
Protoman 56 Posted February 11, 2008 can i copy this for valentines or something? Sure, whatever floats your boat dude. :( lol Share this post Link to post
Protoman 56 Posted February 12, 2008 can i copy this for valentines or something? Sure, whatever floats your boat Trever. :) Share this post Link to post
Zar 696 Posted February 12, 2008 (edited) Protoman please enough with the drama between you and the Bitch. (Nice poem, by the way! :) ) Edited February 12, 2008 by Zar Share this post Link to post
Magical_Trever 60 Posted February 12, 2008 i dunno what to get for valentines day coz i wanna get soemthing for 2 girls... Share this post Link to post
Protoman 56 Posted February 12, 2008 (edited) i dunno what to get for valentines day coz i wanna get soemthing for 2 girls... I would suggest flowers or something similar to the gesture. :) Edited February 12, 2008 by Protoman Share this post Link to post