Proofread/Edit/Comment Essay?

[ShadowScourge 61]

If any of you are willing to read over this and provide grammar corrections as well as feedback, it'd be MUCH appreciated. :P

 

Prompt #2

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

 

Inspection: 5 Points

I tried to stay perfectly still as a man in a suit circled me, scratching away at a clipboard in his hands. Everything I had worked for in the previous weeks led up to this, from spinning alongside other drum majors at practice, to re-running my routine in my head before going to bed each night. Projecting his voice into a small tape recorder, he commented on a loose thread on my tie. Unmoving, I continued to hold my chin high and keep a blank expression on my face. Now was my chance to command my invisible band through the “L-pattern” competition, attempting to top other high schoolers before me. After completing yet another rotation, he stood back and recited, “Hello Anthony. Call your band to attention. Execute a left and right face, and you may begin.” Snapping my head to the side, I bellowed towards my rear, where my band awaited my instruction. Drum majors has helped define who I have become: a leader, confident in my accomplishments.

 

Presentation: 25 Points.

My imaginary band burst into sound, marching forward at the command of my whistle. Each step I took wracked pain through my body; a purely physical pain, emanating from the left side of my hip, where my pelvis was fractured in an accident four weeks prior. On crutches for the last month, I tried to recover as quickly as possible and participate in the L-pattern. It may have been a reckless decision, but I resolved to compete in this event and qualify for championships, even if I was injured. I did not let the pain show in my complexion, and continued to march along the duct tape line on the floor, trying not to have a visible limp in my step as I performed my routine.

 

Routine Content: 25 Points.

Our routines are self-choreographed, starting months in advance. Although the drum majors at our school practice as a group, we each write our own work to a march of our choosing. In these routines, we are able to show our individuality and creativity through moves that have been mastered by years of practice. It requires a lot of hard work outside of school, spending hours each week in preparation to come out on top. However, in addition to presenting one’s skills, the drum major also has the responsibility to lead the band.

 

Beating of Time: 15 Points.

Beating time is essentially the same as a conductor with his baton in the front of an orchestra, leading the band and giving the tempo so they play as an ensemble. Although it is a repetitive motion that looks simple enough to do, it represents the confidence of the band in their drum major. However, being the drum major doesn’t merely mean you march in front of your peers in parades and field shows, but also lead them through practices and rehearsals. This sense of leadership has carried from drum majors to other clubs and sports. Currently, I am the captain of the Badminton Team and Math Team, and president of 2 clubs. Using the principles I’ve learned through drum majoring, I can apply them to other extracurriculars when working in a group, allowing practices and competitions to run as smoothly as possible.

 

Execution: 30 Points.

In the end, you only get one shot, one opportunity to show everything you’ve accomplished. In order to do your best, you must take risks, such as making a large toss that you might drop, or performing a trick that you haven’t quite mastered; but it is this confidence and courage that allows you to thrive in the moment. It is with this mindset that I go through life, with the confidence to perform at my fullest, and with the assurance that I will have tried my best in my endeavors. 

[JoshJayK 16,648]

You're a drum major?

That's awesome.

I wish I was. I was in drumline last season, but next year I'm joining pit. Hehehehe.

Except in concert band, i normally play bassoon. Bassoon is beast.

 

About the essay: I like it! It's descriptive, shows you know what you're talking about, and seems well thought out.

 

Good luck!

[GhoztMan 53]

I have to agree with R2K on this; Can't find any major grammatical errors, it is obviously well thought out and flows nicely. Good job and good luck with the essay! :P

Edited November 28, 2009 by GhoztMan